How to Save Your Marriage: What Works in 2026
Short answer: To save your marriage, change the pattern before you try to settle the problems: raise hard subjects gently, make and accept repair attempts, take a timed break when either of you is too worked up to listen, and name the cycle you both get caught in. Those steps come from Gottman’s research and Emotionally Focused Therapy.
Table of Contents
How to save your marriage starts with a shift: stop arguing about the content of your problems and start changing the pattern you fall into when you discuss them.
Gottman and Levenson’s studies identified the conflict behaviors that predicted divorce, and Sue Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) maps the cycle that keeps those behaviors running.
TL;DR: the bottom line on how to save your marriage
Start here: Raise a complaint about a situation, never a verdict on your partner’s character.
The mid-fight skill: Repair. Pull an escalating fight back, and when your partner tries it, let it count.
When the same fight keeps returning: Name the cycle, not the culprit, so the loop becomes the shared problem.
The rule: If the pattern still runs after months of honest effort, counseling is the next step, not a last resort.
Can your marriage be saved? What the research shows
In a 1998 study of newlyweds, Gottman and colleagues found that harsh openings to conflict, a husband’s refusal to accept his wife’s influence, and a failure to de-escalate predicted which marriages ended; positive emotion during conflict predicted which couples stayed together and stayed happy. The sample was newlywed husbands and wives, so the gender pattern belongs to that group; the skills themselves are taught to couples at every stage of marriage.
A 14-year follow-up by Gottman and Levenson, published in 2000, separated early divorces from late ones. Negative emotion during conflict predicted early divorce. Later divorce was predicted by little warmth, interest or humor, in everyday talk and in arguments alike. A marriage can be low-conflict and still in trouble.
The Gottman Institute calls contempt, treating your partner as beneath you, the single greatest predictor of divorce. In your own marriage, look for that tone first, and for its counterweight: whether you can each still name something you value in the other. If you are asking whether it is already past saving, see our guide to knowing when a marriage is really over.
How to save your marriage: what works, compared
One exception comes before every step below. If either of you is afraid of the other, or there is violence or intimidation in the relationship, these at-home steps and joint sessions are not a safe starting point. Individual therapy comes first, and you can book it on your own, without your partner’s agreement or knowledge.
The steps run from what one partner can start in the next argument to what takes both of you weeks of practice. None of them requires agreeing on the issue first.
| Step | What it interrupts | What it sounds like | Who can start it, and when | Research it draws on |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Soft startup | Criticism | “I’m worried about money. Can we look at the budget Sunday?” | Either partner, next conversation | Gottman et al., 1998 |
| Repair attempt | Escalation mid-fight | “Okay, I said that badly. Let me try again.” | Either partner, mid-fight | Gottman et al., 1998 (de-escalation) |
| Accepting influence | Defensiveness; power struggles | “You have a point about my mother. What would you try?” | Either partner, next disagreement | Gottman et al., 1998 |
| Building appreciation | Contempt; drifting into roommates | “Thanks for handling the school call. I noticed.” | Either partner, daily | Gottman and Levenson, 2000; Driver and Gottman, 2004; Gottman Institute (antidote to contempt) |
| Timed break | Flooding; stonewalling | “I’m too wound up to hear you. Twenty minutes, then we finish this.” | Both, signal agreed on a calm day | Gottman Institute (20-minute break) |
| Naming the cycle | Pursue-withdraw loops | “This is the thing where I push and you go quiet.” | Both, weeks of practice | Johnson et al., 1999 |
Start with soft startup and repair. Either partner can begin them alone, and they can change the very next argument. The quieter half of repair is letting your partner’s clumsy apology count, even mid-sentence. For word-for-word scripts, see our communication techniques for couples.
If the marriage has gone quiet rather than loud, work on the everyday layer. In a 2004 study of 49 newlywed couples, Driver and Gottman linked warm, playful moments at an ordinary dinner to more humor and affection when the same couples argued. Answer your partner’s small bids for attention instead of reaching for the phone.
Take the break seriously. Flooding is a body state: the heart races and little of what your partner says gets through. The Gottman Institute advises at least 20 minutes apart, spent calming down rather than rehearsing the rebuttal, with a set time to come back.
Name the cycle when the topic changes but the fight does not. EFT sees repeated conflict as a dance: one partner pursues for connection, the other withdraws to keep the peace, and each move provokes the next. Naming the pattern, rather than blaming the partner, is where EFT starts. Our roundup of communication exercises for couples has structured ways to practice.
Treat what sits under the marriage, too. Depression or anxiety in either partner feeds the same fights, and a 2012 review by Lebow and colleagues found the link between couple distress and individual disorders well established. If one of you is struggling, individual therapy alongside the marriage work can help.
Signs your marriage is getting better
Often the first sign is that the house feels less tense.
- Repairs land. An apology or a joke mid-argument lowers the temperature instead of starting a new fight.
- Same issue, calmer conversation. Money and in-laws still come up, and the conversation gets finished, even if it takes a break to get there.
- Less contempt. Many couples notice the sarcasm fade before affection comes back.
Can marriage counseling save a marriage?
Does marriage counseling work long term?
If you are weighing marriage counseling to save a marriage, the evidence favors trying it. A 2020 meta-analysis of 2,092 couples by Roddy and colleagues found couple therapy had a large effect on relationship satisfaction and significant effects on communication and emotional intimacy, while couples on waitlists did not significantly improve. Gains generally held at follow-up, and couples who started out more distressed gained more.
A 1999 review of EFT outcome studies by Johnson and colleagues found roughly 70 percent of treated couples were no longer distressed by the end of therapy. The hardest cases are less tidy: in a five-year follow-up of 134 chronically and seriously distressed married couples, Christensen and colleagues found about half showed clinically significant improvement after behavioral couple therapy, and about a quarter had separated or divorced. Our post on whether couples therapy works covers the wider evidence.
What does a counselor do that you cannot do at home?
A counselor stands outside the loop. Gottman Method and EFT counselors name the cycle as it happens in the room and help each partner voice the softer fear under the attack. When childhood patterns resurface in adult conflict, Imago dialogue is often added. Once couples see the cycle in session, they often start catching it at home.
Mistakes that make saving a marriage harder
Four common mistakes
Using the steps as a scorecard. “You didn’t soften your startup” is criticism in new vocabulary.
Litigating the past in every fight. Old injuries deserve their own conversation, not a cameo in the argument about dishes.
Treating a calm month as the finish line. Couples who drop the daily work can drift back into the old pattern.
Proposing counseling as an ultimatum. Proposed as a threat, therapy becomes the next fight. Offer it as something for both of you.
When doing it alone is not enough: marriage counseling in Naperville
If contempt has become the normal tone, or the same fight keeps returning no matter how carefully you both try, the pattern is running faster than either of you can catch it from inside. That is what marriage counseling in Naperville is for: the Gottman Method, EFT and Imago, in person on N Mill Street or by telehealth across Illinois. The practice is in-network with Aetna, BlueCross and BlueShield, Medicare and UnitedHealthcare and bills out-of-network benefits on your behalf. Insurance usually covers marriage counseling only when one spouse has a billable diagnosis, so it is worth checking before the first session. If an affair is part of the picture, our guide to marriage counseling after infidelity explains the order that work follows. Our comparison of the best marriage counseling approaches shows how the three differ.
The first step is the hardest. We’ll meet you there.
Key takeaways
- Gottman’s research ties harsh startup, failed de-escalation and contempt to divorce, and positive emotion during conflict to marriages that last.
- Low conflict is not the same as healthy: a lack of warmth, in daily talk and in arguments, predicted later divorce over 14 years.
- The Gottman Institute advises a break of at least 20 minutes when either partner is flooded, because the body takes about that long to settle.
- Across 2,092 couples, couple therapy had a large effect on relationship satisfaction, while couples on waitlists did not significantly improve.
- In a five-year follow-up, about half of seriously distressed couples improved after behavioral couple therapy and about a quarter separated or divorced.
Read more: How not to address conflict in a relationship · What is the Gottman Method in couples therapy? · What to look for in a couples therapist · Gryzbek Therapy in Naperville
Reviewed by · Licensed Psychologist
Dr. Joe Gryzbek is a Licensed Psychologist and Founder of Gryzbek Therapy in Naperville, specializing in OCD, trauma, depression, and evidence-based psychological care. He sees clients in Naperville and across Illinois by telehealth
Frequently asked questions about how to save your marriage
Can my marriage be saved if only I want to try?
One partner can start the change, but one partner cannot carry the marriage alone for long. When you reliably soften how you raise problems and accept your partner’s attempts to calm a fight, their responses often shift too. If your partner has decided to leave, discernment counseling is a better first step than repair work.
What is the number one thing that destroys a marriage?
Gottman’s research names contempt: mockery, eye-rolling and sarcasm that signal you see your partner as beneath you. The Gottman Institute’s antidote is building a culture of appreciation, which means saying out loud what your partner does right and turning toward their small bids for attention.
How do I save my marriage when my spouse has checked out?
Ease off the pursuit: in a pursue-withdraw cycle, more pressure is usually what drives a distant partner further out. Make small bids for connection without demanding a response, and say plainly what you want without criticism.
What is the first step to saving a marriage?
Agree on one change in how you raise problems, such as a soft startup, and on a signal for a timed break when either of you is flooded. Practice both on small irritations first, so they feel familiar before the next big fight.
How do you save a marriage with no communication?
Start smaller than a big talk: ten minutes a day, phones down, on anything but logistics, where the goal is to listen rather than settle anything. If talking keeps ending in silence or a walkout, a counselor can slow the exchange enough for both of you to finish it.
What do you say to save your marriage?
Start with what you want, not what went wrong: “I miss us, and I want to work on this with you.” Then own one specific part of the pattern before you ask for anything. A list of everything your partner did sounds like a prosecution and starts the next fight.
Can you save a marriage without counseling?
Some couples do, especially when the problems are recent and neither partner has stopped trying. Self-help tends to stall when one partner has withdrawn, when contempt has set in, or when trust has been broken.
Saving a marriage sits within couples therapy for recurring conflict, contempt, emotional distance, faded intimacy and recovery after infidelity, using the Gottman Method, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Imago Relationship Therapy and discernment counseling. Gryzbek Therapy offers marriage counseling at 1979 N Mill Street in Naperville, Illinois, for couples across DuPage County, including Lisle, Warrenville, Wheaton and Aurora, and by telehealth across Illinois.