How Not to Address Conflict…

February 7, 2024

Written By: Sarah Petzold, MS LCPC

Conflict is uncomfortable, yet it’s often unavoidable in relationships. At some point, every couple is going to experience conflict. According to John Gottman, one of the most profound researchers on couples, The Four Horsemen are one of the strongest predictors of divorce. The Four Horsemen refer to four specific behaviors that escalate conflict and create damage in a relationship. Below, I’ve highlighted the behaviors, provided examples, and also discussed antidotes to help foster healthy communication among couples.

Horseman #1: Criticism

It’s normal to have some complaints regarding your partner, but there’s an important distinction between complaints and criticism. A complaint focuses on a specific behavior or event whereas criticism expresses negative feelings or opinions about the other’s character or personality. It often involves dealing with problems through harsh, blaming, or hurtful expressions of judgment or disapproval.

· Example of a complaint: “I’m upset that you didn’t load the dishwasher last night. We agreed we would take turns. Could you please do it now?”

· Example of criticism: “It’s your turn to load the dishwasher, and I hate that I always have to pick up your slack. You’re so lazy, and you just don’t care.”

Antidote: Express complaints in a calm and gentle tone and use warm body language. Complaints generally have three parts: (1) Here’s how I feel; (2) about a very specific situation; (3) and here’s what I want/need/prefer.

Horseman #2: Contempt

Contempt arises from a sense of superiority over one’s partner. It means showing anger, disgust, or hostility toward your partner. It is a sign of disrespect and often leads to more conflict.

· Examples include: putdowns, insults, sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, mockery, and hostile humor.

Antidote: It can help to regularly express respect and appreciation toward your partner. You can do this by showing each other affection, recognizing your partner’s strengths and positive attributes, and give one another compliments.

Horseman #3: Defensiveness

When someone is feeling attacked by their partner’s negative comments, it can be common to get defensive. Defensiveness means deflecting responsibility for one’s own mistakes and behaviors or refusing to accept feedback.

· Example of defensiveness: “It’s not my fault I yelled. You weren’t listening to me.”

· Example of taking responsibility: “I shouldn’t have raised my voice. I’m sorry.”

Antidote: It’s important to own up to one’s behavior and take accountability for one’s actions without blaming others. This means avoiding taking feedback personally, using feedback as an opportunity to grow and improve, and show remorse and apologize.

Horseman #4: Stonewalling

Stonewalling is emotionally withdrawing, shutting down, or going silent during important discussions. This is often the result of the other three horsemen building up over time. It is often a response to feeling overwhelmed, used to avoid difficult problems or discussions, and causes problems to go unresolved.

· Examples include: Becoming less responsive, not providing feedback that you’re listening to your partner, acting as though you couldn’t care less about what your partner is saying.

Antidote: You can practice self-soothing techniques to calm down and stay present with your partner. This could be agreeing to pause the conversation and pick it up at a later time, practicing deep breathing, or engaging in a grounding exercise.

Do you find that either you or your partner engage in these behaviors?  If you think that you would benefit from couples therapy, please do not hesitate to contact us now.